Friday, January 16, 2015

"Your heart just breaks, that's all."

It's almost 3 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've been in bed for hours, tossing and turning, not really sure why I'm dealing with insomnia tonight. I'm a long time insomnia sufferer and I can usually pin point why I can't sleep, but tonight was weird. As I lay in bed trying to relax and shut off my mind, it only took me a minute to finally figure out why I was still wide awake.

It's when I realized the truth. A moment of clarity, but not really something I wanted to admit to myself. I guess you could say it's been weeks of denying reality and the very things I tell my friends time and time again. The truth is, when it's your turn to practice what you preach, you always seem to find excuses. Of course we want to hold onto any glimmer of hope that, no, this won't turn out like all the other stories and that this time is finally the magical exception. A happy ending to a turbulent fairy tale. But I know better by now that that never happens and I'm only harming myself by keeping toxic people in my life, no matter how much I care.

I haven't been keeping up with my blog the past couple of weeks or so because I finally started a new job—one that I'm really excited about, by the way. I worked long and hard to get to where I am now career-wise and I'm really happy about how things are turning out for me. 2015 started off spectacularly, with high hopes in all areas of my life. I thought this was the year that I finally got everything right.

It's not to say that it won't be that year, though. It's only January, after all. But I still can't help this melancholy feeling that's washed over me lately. I should be really happy and excited about my future. In a way, I am. But you know when there's that one thing that you just want so badly that when it goes totally wrong it kind of blurs out everything else? I wish that wasn't the case, but realistically we can't control our emotions. Obviously some people are better at it than others and I wish I was one of those people right now.

You can hear endless amounts of advice or reassuring thoughts from your friends and family, but we all know that doesn't change how you really feel. The only true cure for heartache is time. And time's a bitch. I know that all too well.

So, it sucks. It really does. It sucks when things don't turn out the way you envisioned them. It sucks when people don't turn out to be who you thought they were. It sucks when you're the one that cares more. The whole lot of it sucks. But if I've learned anything in almost 24 years of life, it's that you need to put yourself first. Deep, deep down, you always know the truth. You know what's best for you. You owe it to yourself to listen. And I hope you have the courage to do so.


  1. I'm awful at taking my own advice. It's hard to do the logical thing when everything is blurred by high emotions. I hope you're able to move on from this and maybe learn from it. But, to get to that point, sometimes you just have to wallow in the pain. Do what you have to do to get through it.

  2. Yes to putting yourself first. I have no words for this. Just, you know, don't let your world crumble because of this. After sometime, get back up and embrace the beauty of life. I hope you'll feel better soon. *virtual hugs*